What if
One more
Said hi
Waved while you
Walked by
One more
Knew your name
Asked you
To join in the game
You didn’t feel
As lost
Or that your
Life should be given
To cover the cost
A few additions and changes. I added What if to the last section.
Mom and Dad~ I use "given" because no body took his life, he gave it up. Gave up life. For reasons we don't know, besides experiencing the pain of being a teenager. (Plus it sounded better than taking your own life or something around that.)
I think this sounds better.
1 comment:
I think it hangs together pretty well.
I still wonder about the "cost". I do like your use of rhyme here, but just want to make sure the rhyming words are chosen for the meaning not just the rhyme. Maybe he felt his life could be "tossed"? (or maybe I'm the only one for whom the word "cost" is an issue!) :-)
In the end, your poems are your own, and I'm glad you are writing and expressing yourself in this way. You can consider others' comments, but only you can decide what's most important to you....
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