uncertain
keeps her up at night
making her daydream
during light
thinking of the could be
unsure
what if it doesn’t happen
that the time never comes
all her dreams
wouldn’t have a meaning
hopeful
she wants it to be begin
to unfold into something
more beautiful
than a dewdrop on a red rose
strength
she’ll stand strong
til the final decision has
been made
she wishes for pure
happiness
knowing where that comes from
6.2.08
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2 comments:
Chloe,
I think you are on to something here. Not sure that you need edits (other than a few spelling issues... note the "e" in "determine" -;)... but do a little thinking about word choices that could be a little more specific. For instance, "love" is often overused and becomes too general in a sense that it loses its impact in a poem without some type of metaphor or descriptor. But I think you are have captured something very real and poignant and hopeful here.
Love you,
mom
This is about "Awake"--you include an instance of a very specific image: a dewdrop on a red rose. I encourage you to keep using specific imagery, whether just observation, or as metaphors or similes. Those visual details help bring poems alive and help give them meaning beyond even your initial intention.
In the last stanza, you start with the word "strength"--in keeping with the other single words you use at the beginning of the other stanzas, I would suggest using "strong" instead of "strength", and then thinking of another word for "strong" in the next line (firm? tall? _____?). Or think of another word for "strength" if you want to keep strong in the second line. Maybe "determined"--some word that would fit with the other stanzas with that implied "she is"-- e.g., (she is) 'uncertain', (she is) 'unsure', (she is) 'hopeful', (she is) _______.
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